


Starting Over

by diana_hawthorne (stsgirlie)



Series: Private Lives [12]
Category: Law & Order
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 07:25:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8135357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stsgirlie/pseuds/diana_hawthorne
Summary: After reconciling at last, nineteen years after they first met, Liz Olivet and Mike Logan are finally back on track. Taking their daughter to visit Liz's ex-husband in Paris, they decide to take some time in Europe to themselves to figure out what happens next.Set in June 2008.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This story starts six weeks after the end of "dreaming gives one such bad luck," in June 2008. At the time of this story, Mike has retired from the Force and Liz has decided to remain in private practice after the revelations of the Law & Order season 18 episode "Betrayal."

He reaches out to take Liz’s hand and she tilts her head to look at him, smiling softly. The lights in the cabin are dimmed and dinner’s been cleared; their daughter is sleeping across the aisle as the plane flies over the Atlantic to London.

It is June. He’s been retired for six weeks now, weeks he’s spent with his daughter and Liz, repairing their relationship and building a new, closer one with Caroline. How amazing it is to learn about her life, to slowly become a part of it. Liz suggested, that first weekend in Connecticut, that they start from the beginning with nothing negative between them, no recriminations or anger… he agreed, and while it’s been difficult it’s been so worth it. She’s been great at carving out time for him to spend with Caroline, the two of them, knowing how important being part of their daughter’s life is to him. And they have time together too, time alone and time as a family. It’s definitely different from the last time around but far, far more fulfilling than anything he’d ever dreamed.

Two weeks ago she asked him over drinks, after Caroline went to bed, if he would come with them to Europe.

‘I can’t put off Caroline’s visit to Ben any longer, and I don’t want her to go alone. I need to talk to him, to reassure myself that she will have a good time. Will you come? We can fly to London, have a few days there before bringing her to Paris, then you and I can go on holiday somewhere while she’s with Ben… what do you think?’

He thought it over, giving it the careful consideration it deserved. It was a big step--it is a big step--and one that will surely determine what happens next. Liz wanted to move slowly, carefully, and their relationship this time has been so deliberate compared to what it was the first go round. They haven’t even been to bed together yet, though he can understand her reluctance--they haven’t had any evenings to themselves--well, without Caroline in the next room--and she is understandably protective of their daughter. Time in Europe, time together… just the two of them, time to readjust to being with each other--that’s what they need now.

‘Yeah. Let’s do that,’ he said, and she smiled so brightly his heart clenched. How did he miss that for so long?

‘Good. Where should we go? We can go anywhere… maybe start in London with Caroline for a few days, take the Eurostar to Paris, then… where would you like to go?’

Faced with so many possibilities he didn’t know what to suggest. He shrugged and asked her to pick; a few days later she asked if he’d like to go to Germany, to the South of France, or to Scotland. He picked Scotland. Even though she speaks fluent French he doesn’t speak any other languages and he doesn’t want to feel disconnected to that extent, and it will take away from what they want--which is time to enjoy each other. Paris will be enough, and Scotland will be perfect--like that trip to Ireland, driving around the countryside, small bed-and-breakfasts, big beds… that’s what he wants. He wants the chance to reconnect, to be with her like they used to be… and taking her to bed is certainly not the least of it. He wants her still, always, so badly… 

‘We should try to get some sleep, darling,’ she says, recalling him to the present. ‘It will be a busy day tomorrow.’

‘Sure,’ he agrees, leaning over to kiss her. He feels her smile against his lips and he grins too, filled with happiness and anticipation. Soon… 

She hands him a blanket and, after adjusting her own, takes his hand before closing her eyes. He squeezes her hand, closing his eyes too. He can’t believe that this is the first time in years they’ve fallen asleep together… if only he could hold her closer. He falls asleep and, hours later, wakes up groggy and disoriented to the sound of Liz’s laugh, and looks around.

Liz is leaning across the aisle, talking to their daughter, both of them looking relaxed, confident, and happy. Caroline is chatting avidly to her mother and she catches his eye, stopping mid-sentence to smile shyly at him.

‘Good morning,’ she says, and he grins at her.

‘Good morning.’

Liz turns to him and kisses his cheek lightly, taking his hand to squeeze it tight. ‘We’ll land in half an hour. Do you want breakfast?’

‘Yeah,’ he agrees, attempting to stretch his legs. ‘Um, I’m gonna use the bathroom.’

‘Of course,’ she says, and he steps around her, grabbing his dopp kit. He kisses the top of her head, then ruffles his daughter’s hair, before he walks up the aisle to the bathroom. When he comes back, shaved and marginally refreshed--how can the two of them look so good after an eight-hour flight?--he rejoins them, his breakfast at his seat.

‘So what’s the plan for today?’ he asks, sliding next to her.

‘We were just talking about that. We’ll check into the hotel first and unpack, freshen up… then have lunch and maybe explore a museum, as unfortunately it looks like it’s raining. We’ll have an easy day.’

‘Sure.’

‘Can we go to the British Museum?’ Caroline chimes in, setting down her orange juice.

‘That’s a good idea, Caroline--we are staying right around the corner. What do you think, Mike?’

‘Sounds good,’ he agrees, digging into his breakfast. He’s starving, dinner seeming a long time ago, and he finishes his breakfast quickly. Maybe it’s being up in the air, the time change, or just the fact that he’s still adjusting to his new life--but he feels a bit uneasy. This is a big deal--their first time together--well, their first real time together--as a family. Two days in London, a day in Paris, and then ten days with just Lizzie before Caroline and the rest of her family joins them for the last week. She’s taken a huge amount of time away from her work, her patients, because, as she told him, they need to figure things out. It’s easier to do on neutral territory, she said, and he agreed. So this is it--it’s gotta work. It’s an enormous step and it’s everything.

‘We’ll just take our time--have a really relaxing day,’ she reassures him, resting a hand on his arm. ‘It’ll be great.’

‘Yeah, it will.’

_We will be landing at Gatwick Airport in fifteen minutes. Please prepare for landing._

‘Buckle up, sweetheart,’ Liz says, and Caroline does, though she leans eagerly across the aisle to continue the conversation.

‘Where are we going for lunch?’

‘Where would you like to go? Is there any special place you’d like to take Mike?’

‘Can we go to Scott’s?’ she asks, and Liz laughs.

‘Darling, you know that’s the plan for your birthday dinner when you get back from Paris, when the whole family is here.’

She giggles. ‘I thought it was worth a try.’

‘Silly girl. We’ll figure something out.’

‘Okay, Mommy.’

For the dozenth time he’s struck again by how self-sufficient they are, how close they are, barely any room for anyone else. Liz warned him--they’d only had each other for years--and they are trying to include him, trying so hard. Caroline tears her eyes away from her mother and smiles at him.

‘I’m glad you’re here, Mike,’ his daughter says, and he returns her smile.

‘Me too, honey.’

Liz squeezes his hand tight.

 

Two hours later they’ve gone through customs, collected their bags, gotten a taxi, and arrived at the hotel. It’s only the second time he’s gone to Europe--the first time was with Liz too--and he steps back and watches Caroline and their bags while Liz organizes everything. As much as he wants to help, and as awkward as he feels letting her do everything, he’s enjoying sprawling on the cushy sofas at the comfortable hotel where they’re staying. It’s a good choice--nice, but not overwhelming, and a good mix of their two lifestyles.

Caroline is chatting eagerly about all the things she loves to do in London--the British Museum, Hyde Park, Hampstead Heath, and plays at the National Theatre. He knows that Liz has organized quite a lot of activities for the family when her parents and godparents join them in a few weeks--another hurdle to cross, another thing he’ll have to adjust to. As the years have passed it seems they’ve only grown closer, particularly after Liz’s divorce.

‘I can’t believe you’ve never been to London, Mike,’ Caroline says, her voice breaking into his thoughts. ‘It’s such a fun city.’

Another way in which his daughter’s had a completely different life than his. The gulf between him and Lizzie often seemed insurmountable, but it was different with them--they at least worked together, had similar points of reference, had had a relationship for years. But Caroline… they have nothing in common. How can they? Lizzie raised her beautifully but he wasn’t a part of her life and there might not be room for him permanently. He feels large, clumsy, and awkward around her, this graceful and gracious little girl, raised to expect everything in the world. She was never told she wasn’t good enough; she never will be told that she can’t do anything. She’ll have everything she wants--and that’s what he wanted for her. He just doesn’t know what he can give her that Liz hasn’t. He doesn’t know what his contribution can be.

‘Mike, are you okay?’ she asks, and he looks back at her.

‘Yeah, fine, honey--just thinking. It’s gonna be a fun trip.’

‘I’m really glad you’re here, Mike,’ his daughter says again, looking into his eyes. She sounds like her mother, carefully weighing her words, trying to soothe him. ‘Really.’

He reaches out and rests his hand on her shoulder. ‘Me too, Caroline.’ His daughter… his beautiful, beautiful daughter. That’s what he can give her--his love, and he does love her so much. Is it enough? What if he’s not good at this? He knows the statistics, that abused children often end up abusing their own… what if he loses his temper, what if he lashes out at her, what if--

‘All right, my dears, I have our keys and they’ve brought our bags up to our rooms. Let’s go.’

Caroline jumps up and skips off to the elevator, Liz chuckling. He gathers their carry-on bags and follows the two of them to the elevator bank.

‘So we have the suite that we normally have--will you be all right in your usual room, Caroline?’ Liz asks.

Their daughter nods with alacrity. ‘Yes, Mommy. D’you think I got a toy this time?’

‘I think you did,’ Liz replies, pressing the button for the top floor. ‘Let’s go and see, shall we?’

The elevator too is quite nice but still comfortable, not intimidating--he hasn’t been in places like this as a guest for years… actually, not since 1995, when they were still together. He isn’t used to it. He and Carolyn never really went on vacation together save one trip to Maryland, staying in a cabin on the Eastern Shore owned by Kay Howard… how different his life was with her, how different it would’ve been… this isn’t necessarily better. He didn’t want the trappings of this life, never wanted what Liz took so completely for granted. He did, however, want her, and with that came all of this.

Whatever. He shouldn’t complain or resent it, right? Most people would kill for this, and here it is, offered to him on a literal silver platter. He follows Liz and Caroline down the hallway, watching his daughter shift her weight from foot to foot as he does when he’s impatient. Liz finally unlocks the door and they step inside.

His first thought is that the living room is basically the size of his apartment. For all that, it seems quite relaxed--a place where you can relax and kick your feet up. The sofas are deep red velvet and look like you could sink into them. There’s a selection of books and magazines on the coffee table and fresh flowers. It reminds him of Liz’s apartment and he knows that this is why the two of them like this hotel so much.

As soon as Liz unlocked the door Caroline disappeared into her bedroom, emerging a few minutes later in delight.

‘Paddington Bear!’ she cries, holding a stuffed toy in her arms. ‘And books, and chocolates, and ginger biscuits…’

‘How nice,’ Liz says. ‘You’ll have to write the concierge a thank-you note before we leave.’

‘I will tonight,’ she promises solemnly. ‘Mommy, are we unpacking and showering before lunch?’

‘Yes, I think that’s a good idea, don’t you?’

‘Yes.’

‘Good. Knock on our door when you’re done, okay? And then we’ll meet you here and head down for lunch together.’

‘Okay, Mommy.’ She disappears back into her room, clutching Paddington Bear in her arms, and the door closes behind her, leaving them alone.

To a lesser extent he feels awkward with Liz too, unsure of how to be with her after all these years. She feels the same, he can tell, though she’s always been better at hiding her feelings than he was. Even though they’ve spent at least part of nearly every day of the last six weeks together, including four days at her parents’ house, there is this huge gulf between them. It will take time, the both know that, but he’s impatient. Seven years since they made love, ten years since their daughter was conceived, thirteen years since they were together. A lifetime--Caroline’s lifetime. He wants it back the way it was.

‘Would you like to shower first?’ Liz offers, clearly highlighting their boundaries.

So they won’t be showering together--not yet, at least. He shouldn’t feel disappointed but he is; he wants her and wants to be close to her again.

‘No, that’s okay--you go,’ he says. ‘I’ll unpack for us.’

‘Thanks,’ she says, leaning forward to kiss his cheek.

Their bedroom is enormous, far more so than he was expecting, with its own sitting area, a huge bed, and a massive closet. Their bags are already resting on the luggage racks and Liz goes to her suitcase, rummaging around for her toiletry case. When she finds it, she smiles at him and moves into the bathroom, tucking her hair behind her ears as she goes--a sure sign of her embarrassment.

He starts unpacking their things, first his, clothes carefully conforming to the list she suggested, then hers. So many of these clothes are new, things he hasn’t seen her wear before, but the sweaters at least are familiar from when they were together, a sign that she hasn’t changed as much as he feared. When he reaches her lingerie he flushes but unpacks carefully, sorting through the practical cotton to discover skimpy lace as well as silk nightgowns--so clearly she is planning a romantic aspect to their trip. Relieved, he shuts the drawer and sprawls back on the bed, waiting for her to finish in the bathroom.

She emerges a few minutes later wrapped up in a big towelling robe. Looking much more relaxed, she flops down on the bed next to him, pillowing her head on his shoulder. They stare up at the ceiling and he tightens his arm around her as she drapes her arm over his waist and sighs.

‘You okay?’

She shakes her head slowly, then admits, ‘I’m so nervous. Oh, Mike, it’s been such a long time. What if we aren’t ready? What if… what if it isn’t as good as I remember? What if we don’t fit together any more? I don’t know what we’d do.’

He turns his head to look at her, her grey eyes looking up at him with concern. If he’d admit it to himself, he’s nervous too, even though he’s not nervous about taking her to bed. He doesn’t want to lose her.

‘It will be fine,’ he promises her.

‘How can you be so sure?’ she asks, voice bleak.

He shifts his weight and looks down at her. She is so beautiful still, her auburn hair darker now, small lines around her eyes and at the corners of her mouth. What can he say? He doesn’t have the words to say what she needs to hear; instead he dips his head to kiss her, his lips moving against hers carefully. As she begins to respond, reaching up to wrap her arms around his neck, he deepens the kiss, running his tongue along her lower lip as she always liked. She opens her mouth in a gasp and he suppresses a grin, continuing to kiss her. As she pulls him closer he shifts his weight again, using his knee to urge her legs apart, running a hand up her bare thigh. God, her skin is still so soft… She moans and pulls back, eyes wide, cheeks flushed. She looks astonished and incredibly sexy as she raises her hand to touch his cheek.

‘So what do you think? Because I think we’ve still got it.’

‘Mm,’ she agrees, smiling blissfully at him. ‘Will you kiss me again? Just to make sure?’

He grins broadly and bends to do as she asks. It feels so good to have her in his arms once more, better than he remembered, and she arches her back to press closer to him. This time he pulls back and presses his forehead against hers, breathing heavily.

‘I want you so bad, Lizzie.’

‘Oh, God, me too,’ she murmurs, running one hand up his chest. ‘So much… but we can’t do this now, not yet. Tonight--’

‘Yeah,’ he agrees reluctantly, moving to her side. ‘I should get ready, then.’

She nods wordlessly, raising a hand to touch her lips, smiling to herself. ‘Okay. I’ll get dressed and check on Caroline.’

‘Good idea.’ He kisses her again, a promise for later, then goes into the bathroom to take a cold shower.

 

When he emerges from the bathroom, dressed and ready for the day, it’s noon and he can hear Liz and Caroline in the other room. He pokes his head out the bedroom door and looks at the two of them, sitting on the sofa facing away from him, a map of London spread out in front of them.

‘And then maybe, Mommy, can we go to Hampton Court? Or Kensington Palace? Tomorrow can we go to the V&A? And can we go to Fortnum & Mason’s and Harrods and Selfridges?’

He has no idea what any of these places are--well, he can guess what Kensington Palace is--and once more he feels out of place. 

‘Let’s see what Mike wants to do, darling--maybe we can save the shopping for when your grandparents are here.’

‘But Mike might like Harrods,’ Caroline suggests hopefully, and Liz laughs.

‘I’ll tell you what, let’s pick one store and we can go to the others when you come back from Paris. You know you like Printemps more anyway.’

‘But I like the food at all the London department stores,’ she points out, and Liz laughs again.

‘Just one this trip, darling.’

Caroline gives an exaggerated, long-suffering sigh. ‘Fine. Fortnum & Mason’s, then, please Mommy.’

‘Okay,’ she agrees. ‘So, we’ll go downstairs for lunch, then go to the British Museum, then find somewhere yummy for dinner. Does that sound like a plan?’

‘Yes, it does. D’you think that Mike will like the British Museum?’

‘I bet he will. It’s such a fun museum, isn’t it? Do you want to start with the mummies?’

‘Ooh, yes! And the Easter Island head.’

‘Good idea.’

Sighing to himself, feeling an overwhelming wave of exclusion once again, he makes an effort to pull himself together and closes the door to the bedroom loudly behind him, pasting a smile on his face as Liz and Caroline turn to look at him.

‘Ready for lunch? I’m starving,’ he says.

‘Me too,’ Caroline agrees promptly, standing up from the sofa. ‘Mommy, can I bring Topsy?’

‘Sure,’ she says, and Caroline runs off to her room to fetch her toy. He’s so glad that she loves her as much as she does; what a relief that she could accept something from him.

‘Are you okay?’ Liz asks, standing up from the sofa and walking towards him.

He resents the fact that he’s so easily read--by her, by Carolyn--and shrugs in response. ‘Just tired,’ he snaps, frustrated by the easy way she can read him. This is how it’s gonna be always with her; he’d have to learn that again, the way she could always tell when something’s wrong. She’s way too insightful and he closes his eyes for a moment, chastising himself for the bitter tone to his voice. When he opens them again, looking back at her, he sees her stricken expression. Apparently over the years her ability to mask her feelings has eroded--he noticed this when Caroline was in the hospital. After everything she’s gone through--after everything he’s put her through--the armor she wore to protect herself from the world is dented and broken.

But it’s a moment only; Caroline comes rushing back into the room and Liz shakes her head, looking away from him and at her daughter.

‘Are you ready to go?’ she asks, and Caroline makes Topsy nod, laughing a little to herself. ‘Good. Let’s go then.’ Caroline comes over and takes his hand; his dissatisfaction with his response to Liz turns into a sickening, guilty feeling as they proceed downstairs for lunch.


End file.
